Adventures of the New Mommy With the Big "C"

I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process.  It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store.  My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away.  I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing?  I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...

Sometimes I feel like I’m mourning the life I pictured for myself.  I’m mourning a normal life with my husband, and living healthy lives until we are 99. The grandchildren running around in our backyard and making special memories with them.  I’m mourning my second and third children that I will never get to have.  I’m mourning living in the moment because I’m constantly worrying about dying and leaving in the future that it’s almost physically impossible to focus on the present.  It hits me like a ton of bricks when I realize it. It’s in little moments when I find my mind wandering and wondering how I got here. How did I get here? How did I get so far off track? How is it that I let one thing throw me so off course? My life is nothing like I had imagined it. While I have to say it’s pretty great anyway, some small part of me yearns for what cancer took from me.  I miss going to bed and knowing the next day held nothing but blessings. My...

This post is hard for me to even start, but I'll do my best. Nearly 4 years ago I walked into the Foglia YMCA to interview for a position at the Front Desk. I was greeted with smiling faces, exuding warmth and love. I walked out that day and had a pretty good idea that I'd gotten the job. Not a week later and I was welcomed into the Foglia family.  This is more than a building. This has been more than a job. I've met some of the most AMAZING, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE & LOYAL individuals. I can't tell you the feeling of relief when you know you're welcome there. It's almost immediate - it's evident to everyone walking in. As someone brand new to the state of Illinois, I was terrified of the idea of starting somewhere new. The second you walk in those doors, those feelings are immediately alleviated.  These people are my family. They watched me spread my wings and move onto the Sage YMCA where I met more wonderful humans. They welcomed me back whe...

Is there anything more terrifying than being faced with death? Imagine being told at 28 that you may die, not see your child grow up, that your cancer has a higher rate of recurrence than the rest; it’s aggressive, but hasn’t traveled any further than it’s original growing place.  I try so hard to focus on that small piece of good news. Every day I wake up and struggle not knowing if there could be cancer growing in my body. WHY CAN’T I MAKE THIS FEELING GO AWAY? Why can’t I move on? Pretend this didn’t happen? I did chemo, I got all the surgeries. I did everything I could. Right? Insert Paige, the second guesser. Maybe it spread in the week and a half I waited to have chemo after I gave birth? Maybe that small cell traveled to my brain and is growing there? Maybe these allergies and sinus issues I’ve been having a really a brain tumor that is slowly taking my life away? This is PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. my friends. Obsessive thoughts. Constant. ...

I don’t have an explanation for what I’m about to write. I think I just want to write it down.  I’m just so freaking sad. I’m paranoid. Nervous. Sunken down deeper in the hole than I’ve ever been. The feeling literally steals my happiness. Andrew and I just bought our first house, we close in one day. What should be such an exciting time in our lives - is overshadowed by the dark cloud that looms over me.  Looking back at what was poised to be the happiest day of my life, the birth of my son; I had just been given the worst news of my life. I can’t help but think that same thing will happen again. I can’t be allowed these wonderful blessings, can I?  My brain tells me: Cancer will sneak in, and steal everything and everyone I love. It will take me away. From my son, my husband, my mom, my sister. They will live and move on and my life will have been for nothing. My son won’t even remember my face, how much I love him and prayed for him. Doesn’t this s...

This past week has been a sad one, with two very well known individuals taking their own lives. While I don’t normally comment, I wanted to say something- this affects a few of my closest friends, and even me in a way.  I in no way can reflect on how others feel, but I can tell you how my anxiety can throw me into deep, deep throws of depression. Since returning home from Iowa last weekend, I’ve been struggling a lot. Had some weird stuff going on, making me think it was cancer related. Being me, I texted my doc who got me in right away. He did an exam and told me I was fine. However, the past few days I have spiraled someplace down deep.  I can’t get out of my head. I can’t focus on anything but cancer and death. I’m having trouble just getting through the day. I’m excusing myself at work to catch my breath and cry. I don’t want to burden others or want them to think I’m crazy.  My mind just won’t quit. What if my cancer is growing back? What if I die ...

In the last six months, I’ve been able to take a few steps back and concentrate on getting back to normal life. Unfortunately, Cancer always seems to rear its ugly head. I want so badly to forget about it completely, but something always brings me back. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I just quit worrying? I guess that’s not how Cancer works. It pops up when you least expect it. You can be feeling perfectly and BAM, a pain you haven’t felt lingers a little too long. You wait for it to pass, but what happens if you wait too long? Do you go to the doctor right away or wait to see if it subsides? Maybe it’s nothing, but it could be something. If I wait too long, I will die. It’s on Facebook, when someone you know gets diagnosed way too young. Frankly, it’s all over my social media- so much so, that I actually gave up my original Instagram. One of my favorite oncology nurses asked me recently to be a part of a cancer support group for young people. She said she thought I’d be gr...