God’s Plan

Sometimes I feel like I’m mourning the life I pictured for myself. 

I’m mourning a normal life with my husband, and living healthy lives until we are 99. The grandchildren running around in our backyard and making special memories with them. 

I’m mourning my second and third children that I will never get to have. 

I’m mourning living in the moment because I’m constantly worrying about dying and leaving in the future that it’s almost physically impossible to focus on the present. 

It hits me like a ton of bricks when I realize it. It’s in little moments when I find my mind wandering and wondering how I got here. How did I get here? How did I get so far off track? How is it that I let one thing throw me so off course?

My life is nothing like I had imagined it. While I have to say it’s pretty great anyway, some small part of me yearns for what cancer took from me. 

I miss going to bed and knowing the next day held nothing but blessings. My heart yearns for peace. 

I am so jealous of healthy people. I want that back. That assurance that you’ll live to see another day. 


I have trouble seeing what God’s plan must be for me. Why did he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? 

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