Adventures of the New Mommy With the Big "C"

I’ve only ever had my heart broken twice. Once by my first love, and once by cancer.  People experience heartbreak in different ways. A lost loved one, death, suffering - they can leave a soul unable to heal. While I’d like to tell you that my heart is completely healed, that would be a lie. The rest of the world has moved on, but I have not.  My face smiles at you and tells you I’m doing great! The reality is - I’m still stuck. Cancer broke my heart, and nearly broke my soul.  I won’t tell you I’ve given up. I wake up every day and try to move on; I try to forget. I take my medication daily and pray that the fear stays under wraps so I can make it through the day.  My message to you today, whatever the cause of your broken heart, it’s okay to not be okay. You’re always entitled to truly feel what you need to feel. People around you may move on, but know I’m right there with you. I am not healed, no matter how many times I tell you I am....

Well, here we are. September 27th. I honestly don't quite know what to say. September 27th, 2016 at 9:38am, 36 weeks pregnant, drying myself off from the shower, I got a call from an almost complete stranger telling me that I had Breast Cancer. I can't tell you what went through my head in that moment. When someone tells you you've got cancer, it feels like a dream. "This can't be happening to me," I thought. Because seriously, you NEVER expect something like this to happen to you, especially at 28 years old when you're expecting your first child. This marks one year that I didn't know I would have. One year of fighting fights I never wished to fight. One year (almost) of my greatest joy of this life - Benjamin. Since then, I've delivered my babe, started and finished chemo, had a lumpectomy, was declared cancer FREE, and had a double mastectomy. I've been supported by people near and far. I can't tell you how much it meant, and ...

Have you ever wondered what it's like to enter the mind of someone with anxiety? I, like many others, have suffered from anxiety since I was about 10 years old. I've seen child psychologists, therapists, psychologists, taken medication - you name it, I've tried it.  What I found that really worked for me was running, and since having to take a VERY LONG pause from that, I've been struggling a lot.  Since my cancer diagnosis, nearly a year ago now (whoa), my anxiety has tripled. I can't concentrate, think, or even breathe at times. The fear of leaving this earth prematurely literally eats at me every single moment of every day. The fear of not seeing Benjamin grow up, shakes me.  I might be working quietly at my desk, but my brain races on. You may be talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear what you say. Obsessive thoughts control my every day.  I get so angry sometimes. Like, the one thing I wanted in life (a baby), and someone is trying...

A few simple requests from the girl who's not JUST a cancer survivor: I've been going through how to phrase this in my head over and over. Unfortunately, there's not really a nice way to say it. Being rude is absolutely not my intent, so please don't get the wrong idea. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore. I don't want to hear about a magic cancer fighter pill or the fact that I need to eat more vegetables to keep my cancer at bay. I know I need to eat healthier, but who doesn't, am I right? :).  I love that you watched "What the Health" on Netflix, but please, I don't need to hear that eating dairy is going to kill me. If eating cheese is wrong, then I don't want to be right!  Can we talk about our jobs, our animals, our cute babies?  Maybe it's my time in this journey that I've just had enough. I don't want to see cancer ads pop up on my Facebook. I don't want to read articles on what I...

I'll Find You Lecrae Lyrics Just fight a little longer my friend It's all worth it in the end But when you got nobody to turn to Just hold on, and I'll find you I'll find you I'll find you Just hold on, and I'll find you I'm hanging on by a thread And all I'm clinging to is prayers And every breath is like a battle I feel like I ain't come prepared And death's knockin' on the front door Pain's creepin' through the back Fear's crawlin' through the windows Waiting for em' to attack They say "Don't get bitter, get better" I'm working on switching them letters But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room They don't know the battle I face They don't understand what I'm going through The world tryna play with my soul I'm just tryna find where to go I'...

Okay now, before you go and get all grossed out- I have attempted to bathe my bottom half and use baby wipes frequently on the rest. Still. I WANT TO SHOWER! Yesterday my left drain was removed, but we are still waiting on the right one. Can't wait to get that sucker out of there! Then I can finally shower- hallelujah! So I got my boobs chopped off last week. It looks super weird... I would post a pic, but I think that may offend some people.  So you'd think I'd be completely flat chested, but they're kinda puffy! Ha. It's super awkward.  None of that craziness really bothers me though. I'm perfectly imperfect - always have been.  The hardest part is not really being able to pick up my baby. This morning I made Andrew get him out of his crib and lay him next to me for his bottle and he snuggles. He fell asleep and I just stared at him. He is seriously the most beautiful little human.  I have tons of help. Andrew has been wo...

My mom raised me pretty much by herself. She went without and provided everything for us, no question. When my dad left, we fell on hard times. There were times my mother didn't know where our next meal would come from, but somehow she managed to give us everything we needed and more. I always felt spoiled. After digging out of the hole, my mom was able to purchase our first house when I was in 6th grade- all on her own.  She taught me to be respectful, thoughtful and gracious.  I would be nothing if it weren't for her.  Mom, Thank you for providing me with endless blessings. Thank you for reading to me and singing to me. Thank you for tolerating my 15+ text messages and phone calls per day even though I don't live at home anymore.  Thank you for being there when I was sick and just needed you to sit with me. Thank you for dropping everything to come and be with me when I need it. Nothing makes me feel better than to have you here with me. Than...

When I look back at the events of the last 7 months, I can’t help but be a little angry. My plan for life was so different. Andrew and I wanted to buy a beautiful home, have at least 2 kids, a dozen dogs (ok, that was just my dream…), and grow old together. Well, cancer happens, I guess. After chemo I was officially told that it would be unwise for me to carry anymore children. WTF? Seriously? I’m a tad bitter, sorry. While I know that I’m SO blessed to have Benny here (thank god we got pregnant when we did), this was a huge blow to me. My whole life changed in an instant. Although Andrew constantly reminds me that he is happy with how things turned out, I know he's secretly disappointed as well. I know he had other plans as well. I started thinking about it more, and now I’ve changed my frame of mind. Andrew and I are thinking now that we will adopt a child in the future. I would’ve never thought about that if it weren’t for cancer. What a beautiful thing- this op...

I'm not going to lie, adjusting to life after cancer isn't easy. For those months my world stopped. It's hard to realize the world around you just kept moving... And now I'm left here, only a little bit broken. I'm back at my job with the people I love - a welcome distraction from the demons I battle in my head on a daily basis. Cancer sure is a nasty bitch. I still have panic attacks daily. I have obsessive thoughts. Like a wise friend of mine said to me, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's not living, is it? I have thoughts like this. If I die, I have to make videos for Ben. Let him know how much I loved him. Let him know I'll always be with him. I don't want to leave him ever, but if I have to, he will know how much he meant to me. I told my husband today that he needs to make sure my family is still a part of Ben's life. I made him promise to call them, send pictures, go to Iowa to see them, and invite them for ...

I wanted to take the opportunity to answer questions that people had, so I opened the floor to my Facebook friends with questions about cancer. So here's what you all came up with: Question: How did you manage to stay so positive? Answer: I don't. I struggle every minute of everyday to remain positive. I am having a really tough time dealing with anxiety issues. Every bump, pain - it's cancer all over my body. I am terrified everyday. Every second. I definitely have good days (mostly when I don't have to be alone), but the truth is that I am definitely not as positive as I should be. I continue to receive good news, but for some reason that doesn't seem to help. I've lost the trust I had in my body. I don't trust that it will continue to fight off cancer; it's as if I'm still waiting for bad news. I don't want to die. I want to be able to see my baby grow up, and I'm so scared that I won't get this chance. I am working super hard...

One year ago my husband and I celebrated and went to Florida for our honey moon. One year ago we got pregnant with our first child. All of that was just ONE YEAR AGO. It boggles my mind to think of how our lives used to be. We looked forward so much to the future. Then, in September I was diagnosed with cancer and everything changed. Andrew is so positive and wonderful to me all the time. He takes this all in stride, and continues to be my rock. He does not falter. Every day he goes to work to support us while I can't. Every evening he comes home after a long day and cooks me dinner. Everyday he does the impossible and puts me back together. Imagine coming home and trying to put a 1,000 piece puzzle together- EVERYDAY. He does this without complaint. I never imagined we'd have to deal with the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriage so soon. Less than one year after we said I do. I carry a lot of guilt thinking that I brought all of this on u...

Like a lot of you, I had a busy life before cancer. I worked full time, worked out, made time for friends, and hung out with my husband. I played on Facebook and Instagram A TON - and I thought a cold was the end of the world. Fact: THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER IN THIS LIFE ARE THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND WONDERFUL SOULS THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING. Not money. Not your job. Not your car. Not your beautiful clothes. Not Facebook. Not Instagram. So please, put your phones down and live in the moment. A day may come and be your very last... do you want that time wasted in front of a screen instead of looking into the eyes of the ones you love? Cancer has taught me that everyday is precious. I wake up every morning fighting to stay alive for my son, my husband, my mom, my sisters, my friends and family. I found myself always glued to my phone, checking my notifications - but now, I have to make sure to use my time wisely. I promise you that winter cold you've got will go aw...