My Only Baby



When I look back at the events of the last 7 months, I can’t help but be a little angry. My plan for life was so different. Andrew and I wanted to buy a beautiful home, have at least 2 kids, a dozen dogs (ok, that was just my dream…), and grow old together.

Well, cancer happens, I guess. After chemo I was officially told that it would be unwise for me to carry anymore children. WTF? Seriously? I’m a tad bitter, sorry.

While I know that I’m SO blessed to have Benny here (thank god we got pregnant when we did), this was a huge blow to me. My whole life changed in an instant. Although Andrew constantly reminds me that he is happy with how things turned out, I know he's secretly disappointed as well. I know he had other plans as well.

I started thinking about it more, and now I’ve changed my frame of mind. Andrew and I are thinking now that we will adopt a child in the future. I would’ve never thought about that if it weren’t for cancer. What a beautiful thing- this opens up a whole new journey and possibilities for our family.

Eventually, I want Ben to have a sibling. Andrew and I came from families with lots of siblings, all of whom we love dearly and are a huge part of who we are.

So, cancer, in a weird way, I guess I’m grateful for you. Thank you for expanding my heart and my mind. I’m so excited about this new journey we get to go on together because of you. Our dreams are still possible. I hope that someday we can make the life of a child in need great. I hope we can give them the world. I already know Ben will be the best big brother.

I hope that the adoption journey will be wonderful. I know we are opening ourselves up to a lot of potential heart break, but eventually I know we will be ready.

Benny won’t be my only baby. Someday, our hearts will be ready for more love.

If you have any experience with fostering or adoption, I would love to talk with you. We are trying to educate ourselves as much as possible before we start this process.




As always, thanks for reading my little mumblings. Have a blessed day!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Favorite *AND LEAST FAVORITE* Month

Image
October is my favorite month. Or at least it was, until I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer nearly 3 years ago.  Suddenly, the ENTIRE month became all about pink, all about awareness, fundraising, etc. While I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the support - I must also remind you this month is a tough one for me. Reminders are everywhere: TV, billboards, bumper stickers, shirts, ribbons, social media posts, walks, and the list goes on. What some people don't realize, is that I live with the horrible scars physically and emotionally that serve as an cruel reminder everyday- not just in October. So please forgive me, when I once again, take a social media break for the entirety of October. I've decided to distance myself and fully enjoy every second of my favorite month with my family. I want to see my son smile when he picks out a pumpkin, jump in the leaves and watch the season change. I want to take a walk with the dog and unplug to fully enjoy the c...
Read more

War is Exhausting.

I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process.  It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store.  My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away.  I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing?  I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...
Read more

A Dismal Diagnosis Amidst My Greatest Joy

Image
Let's start my story from the beginning... I woke up on a Saturday morning in September and prepared to go to work as usual. It was harder these days to even get out of bed, as I was 36 weeks pregnant with my baby boy! I hopped out of the shower and proceeded with my usual lotioning routine - I was so nervous about getting stretch marks from my pregnancy, I made this an almost daily ritual. It was then that I felt a lump on my left breast. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but my first thought is that it's definitely pregnancy related. So what did I do? Googled it, of course! Google told me that it was more than likely a clogged milk duct from my pregnancy, and not to worry. Well, that's never good enough for me, so naturally I stressed about it all the way to work. After talking with my colleagues for an hour or so, I thought it was best that I just call the doctor and be sure that I'm not crazy. Luckily, my OB office had a two hour Saturday window that I c...
Read more