War is Exhausting.


I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process. 

It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store. 

My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away. 

I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant.

My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing? 

I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill out before I see my oncologist every 3 months. I’ve memorized every symptom on the page, and I know none of them mean anything good. I constantly ask myself, am I feeling out of breath? Do I have a fever? Chills? 

For those of you who don’t know, I have the BRCA gene mutation which makes me more susceptible to ovarian cancer as well. I get blood work every 3 months and an ultrasound every 6 months as a preventative measure. I got a call out of the blue a couple of weeks ago from a nurse telling me my protein levels were just outside of what they consider to be a normal range. I lost it. Like actually lost my mind. 

I connected with every doctor I have pretty much immediately. I got an ultrasound- I have a cyst. You’d think I’d see that as good news. NOPE. Here I am, freakin’ the shit out. EVERYDAY it’s something. EVERYDAY is a struggle. 

I recently decided that I need help (again). I need medication and a need a therapist. As much as I wanted to be okay, and I feel like the farther I get from this, I should be feeling better... but I don’t. I pray one of these days I’ll feel peace. 


War is exhausting. 

Comments

  1. UnknownNovember 19, 2018 at 6:25 AM

    I can't imagine what you're experiencing. And though I don't have any sage advice, the therapy sounds like a wise idea.

    However, I do know you are loved by lots and lots and lots of people. I hope you can feel it. I hope all that love pleases you and brings a smile to your face.

    You should know YOU bring a smile to OUR faces each day, even those of us who are far away and have to be satisfied with an occasional picture or just a memory of a recent visit.

    I'm imagining that I'm giving you a big hug right now. Hope that comes through.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownNovember 19, 2018 at 7:27 AM

    A prayer from my devotional today. I pray for your peace and healing, Paige.

    Heavenly Father, as I face the unexpected trials of life, I want to know Your name. Draw close to me as I draw close to You. Shape my heart and guide me in Your truth. Strengthen me with Your promises. My life is in Your hands. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

    ReplyDelete

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