War is Exhausting.
I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process. It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store. My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away. I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing? I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...