I Want to Forget.




In the last six months, I’ve been able to take a few steps back and concentrate on getting back to normal life. Unfortunately, Cancer always seems to rear its ugly head.

I want so badly to forget about it completely, but something always brings me back. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I just quit worrying?

I guess that’s not how Cancer works. It pops up when you least expect it. You can be feeling perfectly and BAM, a pain you haven’t felt lingers a little too long. You wait for it to pass, but what happens if you wait too long? Do you go to the doctor right away or wait to see if it subsides? Maybe it’s nothing, but it could be something. If I wait too long, I will die.

It’s on Facebook, when someone you know gets diagnosed way too young. Frankly, it’s all over my social media- so much so, that I actually gave up my original Instagram.

One of my favorite oncology nurses asked me recently to be a part of a cancer support group for young people. She said she thought I’d be great. As honored as I was, I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I can’t support myself with this yet. I feel unstable, and when I hear of yet another young person being diagnosed it literally breaks my heart and takes my breath away. It sends me into a long downward spiral... climbing back up each time is just too hard.

Been thinking lately that I should maybe just delete Facebook. Get rid of social media altogether. But that seems unfair to all those who have supported and encouraged me in this journey. I love sharing things, especially my son, with all of you. Sometimes it’s nice to write these blogs and just put them out into the universe... I’m not really concerned with how many people actually read it.

If you are reading this and can relate- please don’t hesitate to reach out. Cancer or not, I’m a pretty good listener. Whatever you may be going through, I can understand how hard it may be to “get over it.” I don’t think I ever will.

I try so hard. I really want to forget. For those that have to deal with my anxiety on a daily basis... I wish I could say I have changed, but I haven’t. I’m still just as scared as the day my doctor told me I had cancer.

For those of you struggling specifically with a Cancer diagnosis, man, I’m so sorry. I wish it didn’t exist. I wish you could forget.

Xo Paige

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Favorite *AND LEAST FAVORITE* Month

Image
October is my favorite month. Or at least it was, until I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer nearly 3 years ago.  Suddenly, the ENTIRE month became all about pink, all about awareness, fundraising, etc. While I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the support - I must also remind you this month is a tough one for me. Reminders are everywhere: TV, billboards, bumper stickers, shirts, ribbons, social media posts, walks, and the list goes on. What some people don't realize, is that I live with the horrible scars physically and emotionally that serve as an cruel reminder everyday- not just in October. So please forgive me, when I once again, take a social media break for the entirety of October. I've decided to distance myself and fully enjoy every second of my favorite month with my family. I want to see my son smile when he picks out a pumpkin, jump in the leaves and watch the season change. I want to take a walk with the dog and unplug to fully enjoy the c...
Read more

War is Exhausting.

I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process.  It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store.  My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away.  I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing?  I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...
Read more

A Dismal Diagnosis Amidst My Greatest Joy

Image
Let's start my story from the beginning... I woke up on a Saturday morning in September and prepared to go to work as usual. It was harder these days to even get out of bed, as I was 36 weeks pregnant with my baby boy! I hopped out of the shower and proceeded with my usual lotioning routine - I was so nervous about getting stretch marks from my pregnancy, I made this an almost daily ritual. It was then that I felt a lump on my left breast. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but my first thought is that it's definitely pregnancy related. So what did I do? Googled it, of course! Google told me that it was more than likely a clogged milk duct from my pregnancy, and not to worry. Well, that's never good enough for me, so naturally I stressed about it all the way to work. After talking with my colleagues for an hour or so, I thought it was best that I just call the doctor and be sure that I'm not crazy. Luckily, my OB office had a two hour Saturday window that I c...
Read more