Adventures of the New Mommy With the Big "C"

This past week has been a sad one, with two very well known individuals taking their own lives. While I don’t normally comment, I wanted to say something- this affects a few of my closest friends, and even me in a way.  I in no way can reflect on how others feel, but I can tell you how my anxiety can throw me into deep, deep throws of depression. Since returning home from Iowa last weekend, I’ve been struggling a lot. Had some weird stuff going on, making me think it was cancer related. Being me, I texted my doc who got me in right away. He did an exam and told me I was fine. However, the past few days I have spiraled someplace down deep.  I can’t get out of my head. I can’t focus on anything but cancer and death. I’m having trouble just getting through the day. I’m excusing myself at work to catch my breath and cry. I don’t want to burden others or want them to think I’m crazy.  My mind just won’t quit. What if my cancer is growing back? What if I die ...

In the last six months, I’ve been able to take a few steps back and concentrate on getting back to normal life. Unfortunately, Cancer always seems to rear its ugly head. I want so badly to forget about it completely, but something always brings me back. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I just quit worrying? I guess that’s not how Cancer works. It pops up when you least expect it. You can be feeling perfectly and BAM, a pain you haven’t felt lingers a little too long. You wait for it to pass, but what happens if you wait too long? Do you go to the doctor right away or wait to see if it subsides? Maybe it’s nothing, but it could be something. If I wait too long, I will die. It’s on Facebook, when someone you know gets diagnosed way too young. Frankly, it’s all over my social media- so much so, that I actually gave up my original Instagram. One of my favorite oncology nurses asked me recently to be a part of a cancer support group for young people. She said she thought I’d be gr...

I’ve only ever had my heart broken twice. Once by my first love, and once by cancer.  People experience heartbreak in different ways. A lost loved one, death, suffering - they can leave a soul unable to heal. While I’d like to tell you that my heart is completely healed, that would be a lie. The rest of the world has moved on, but I have not.  My face smiles at you and tells you I’m doing great! The reality is - I’m still stuck. Cancer broke my heart, and nearly broke my soul.  I won’t tell you I’ve given up. I wake up every day and try to move on; I try to forget. I take my medication daily and pray that the fear stays under wraps so I can make it through the day.  My message to you today, whatever the cause of your broken heart, it’s okay to not be okay. You’re always entitled to truly feel what you need to feel. People around you may move on, but know I’m right there with you. I am not healed, no matter how many times I tell you I am....

Well, here we are. September 27th. I honestly don't quite know what to say. September 27th, 2016 at 9:38am, 36 weeks pregnant, drying myself off from the shower, I got a call from an almost complete stranger telling me that I had Breast Cancer. I can't tell you what went through my head in that moment. When someone tells you you've got cancer, it feels like a dream. "This can't be happening to me," I thought. Because seriously, you NEVER expect something like this to happen to you, especially at 28 years old when you're expecting your first child. This marks one year that I didn't know I would have. One year of fighting fights I never wished to fight. One year (almost) of my greatest joy of this life - Benjamin. Since then, I've delivered my babe, started and finished chemo, had a lumpectomy, was declared cancer FREE, and had a double mastectomy. I've been supported by people near and far. I can't tell you how much it meant, and ...

Have you ever wondered what it's like to enter the mind of someone with anxiety? I, like many others, have suffered from anxiety since I was about 10 years old. I've seen child psychologists, therapists, psychologists, taken medication - you name it, I've tried it.  What I found that really worked for me was running, and since having to take a VERY LONG pause from that, I've been struggling a lot.  Since my cancer diagnosis, nearly a year ago now (whoa), my anxiety has tripled. I can't concentrate, think, or even breathe at times. The fear of leaving this earth prematurely literally eats at me every single moment of every day. The fear of not seeing Benjamin grow up, shakes me.  I might be working quietly at my desk, but my brain races on. You may be talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear what you say. Obsessive thoughts control my every day.  I get so angry sometimes. Like, the one thing I wanted in life (a baby), and someone is trying...

A few simple requests from the girl who's not JUST a cancer survivor: I've been going through how to phrase this in my head over and over. Unfortunately, there's not really a nice way to say it. Being rude is absolutely not my intent, so please don't get the wrong idea. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore. I don't want to hear about a magic cancer fighter pill or the fact that I need to eat more vegetables to keep my cancer at bay. I know I need to eat healthier, but who doesn't, am I right? :).  I love that you watched "What the Health" on Netflix, but please, I don't need to hear that eating dairy is going to kill me. If eating cheese is wrong, then I don't want to be right!  Can we talk about our jobs, our animals, our cute babies?  Maybe it's my time in this journey that I've just had enough. I don't want to see cancer ads pop up on my Facebook. I don't want to read articles on what I...

I'll Find You Lecrae Lyrics Just fight a little longer my friend It's all worth it in the end But when you got nobody to turn to Just hold on, and I'll find you I'll find you I'll find you Just hold on, and I'll find you I'm hanging on by a thread And all I'm clinging to is prayers And every breath is like a battle I feel like I ain't come prepared And death's knockin' on the front door Pain's creepin' through the back Fear's crawlin' through the windows Waiting for em' to attack They say "Don't get bitter, get better" I'm working on switching them letters But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room They don't know the battle I face They don't understand what I'm going through The world tryna play with my soul I'm just tryna find where to go I'...