Adventures of the New Mommy With the Big "C"

Well, here we are. September 27th. I honestly don't quite know what to say. September 27th, 2016 at 9:38am, 36 weeks pregnant, drying myself off from the shower, I got a call from an almost complete stranger telling me that I had Breast Cancer. I can't tell you what went through my head in that moment. When someone tells you you've got cancer, it feels like a dream. "This can't be happening to me," I thought. Because seriously, you NEVER expect something like this to happen to you, especially at 28 years old when you're expecting your first child. This marks one year that I didn't know I would have. One year of fighting fights I never wished to fight. One year (almost) of my greatest joy of this life - Benjamin. Since then, I've delivered my babe, started and finished chemo, had a lumpectomy, was declared cancer FREE, and had a double mastectomy. I've been supported by people near and far. I can't tell you how much it meant, and ...

Have you ever wondered what it's like to enter the mind of someone with anxiety? I, like many others, have suffered from anxiety since I was about 10 years old. I've seen child psychologists, therapists, psychologists, taken medication - you name it, I've tried it.  What I found that really worked for me was running, and since having to take a VERY LONG pause from that, I've been struggling a lot.  Since my cancer diagnosis, nearly a year ago now (whoa), my anxiety has tripled. I can't concentrate, think, or even breathe at times. The fear of leaving this earth prematurely literally eats at me every single moment of every day. The fear of not seeing Benjamin grow up, shakes me.  I might be working quietly at my desk, but my brain races on. You may be talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear what you say. Obsessive thoughts control my every day.  I get so angry sometimes. Like, the one thing I wanted in life (a baby), and someone is trying...

A few simple requests from the girl who's not JUST a cancer survivor: I've been going through how to phrase this in my head over and over. Unfortunately, there's not really a nice way to say it. Being rude is absolutely not my intent, so please don't get the wrong idea. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore. I don't want to hear about a magic cancer fighter pill or the fact that I need to eat more vegetables to keep my cancer at bay. I know I need to eat healthier, but who doesn't, am I right? :).  I love that you watched "What the Health" on Netflix, but please, I don't need to hear that eating dairy is going to kill me. If eating cheese is wrong, then I don't want to be right!  Can we talk about our jobs, our animals, our cute babies?  Maybe it's my time in this journey that I've just had enough. I don't want to see cancer ads pop up on my Facebook. I don't want to read articles on what I...

I'll Find You Lecrae Lyrics Just fight a little longer my friend It's all worth it in the end But when you got nobody to turn to Just hold on, and I'll find you I'll find you I'll find you Just hold on, and I'll find you I'm hanging on by a thread And all I'm clinging to is prayers And every breath is like a battle I feel like I ain't come prepared And death's knockin' on the front door Pain's creepin' through the back Fear's crawlin' through the windows Waiting for em' to attack They say "Don't get bitter, get better" I'm working on switching them letters But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room They don't know the battle I face They don't understand what I'm going through The world tryna play with my soul I'm just tryna find where to go I'...

Okay now, before you go and get all grossed out- I have attempted to bathe my bottom half and use baby wipes frequently on the rest. Still. I WANT TO SHOWER! Yesterday my left drain was removed, but we are still waiting on the right one. Can't wait to get that sucker out of there! Then I can finally shower- hallelujah! So I got my boobs chopped off last week. It looks super weird... I would post a pic, but I think that may offend some people.  So you'd think I'd be completely flat chested, but they're kinda puffy! Ha. It's super awkward.  None of that craziness really bothers me though. I'm perfectly imperfect - always have been.  The hardest part is not really being able to pick up my baby. This morning I made Andrew get him out of his crib and lay him next to me for his bottle and he snuggles. He fell asleep and I just stared at him. He is seriously the most beautiful little human.  I have tons of help. Andrew has been wo...

My mom raised me pretty much by herself. She went without and provided everything for us, no question. When my dad left, we fell on hard times. There were times my mother didn't know where our next meal would come from, but somehow she managed to give us everything we needed and more. I always felt spoiled. After digging out of the hole, my mom was able to purchase our first house when I was in 6th grade- all on her own.  She taught me to be respectful, thoughtful and gracious.  I would be nothing if it weren't for her.  Mom, Thank you for providing me with endless blessings. Thank you for reading to me and singing to me. Thank you for tolerating my 15+ text messages and phone calls per day even though I don't live at home anymore.  Thank you for being there when I was sick and just needed you to sit with me. Thank you for dropping everything to come and be with me when I need it. Nothing makes me feel better than to have you here with me. Than...

When I look back at the events of the last 7 months, I can’t help but be a little angry. My plan for life was so different. Andrew and I wanted to buy a beautiful home, have at least 2 kids, a dozen dogs (ok, that was just my dream…), and grow old together. Well, cancer happens, I guess. After chemo I was officially told that it would be unwise for me to carry anymore children. WTF? Seriously? I’m a tad bitter, sorry. While I know that I’m SO blessed to have Benny here (thank god we got pregnant when we did), this was a huge blow to me. My whole life changed in an instant. Although Andrew constantly reminds me that he is happy with how things turned out, I know he's secretly disappointed as well. I know he had other plans as well. I started thinking about it more, and now I’ve changed my frame of mind. Andrew and I are thinking now that we will adopt a child in the future. I would’ve never thought about that if it weren’t for cancer. What a beautiful thing- this op...