Adventures of the New Mommy With the Big "C"

When I look back at the events of the last 7 months, I can’t help but be a little angry. My plan for life was so different. Andrew and I wanted to buy a beautiful home, have at least 2 kids, a dozen dogs (ok, that was just my dream…), and grow old together. Well, cancer happens, I guess. After chemo I was officially told that it would be unwise for me to carry anymore children. WTF? Seriously? I’m a tad bitter, sorry. While I know that I’m SO blessed to have Benny here (thank god we got pregnant when we did), this was a huge blow to me. My whole life changed in an instant. Although Andrew constantly reminds me that he is happy with how things turned out, I know he's secretly disappointed as well. I know he had other plans as well. I started thinking about it more, and now I’ve changed my frame of mind. Andrew and I are thinking now that we will adopt a child in the future. I would’ve never thought about that if it weren’t for cancer. What a beautiful thing- this op...

I'm not going to lie, adjusting to life after cancer isn't easy. For those months my world stopped. It's hard to realize the world around you just kept moving... And now I'm left here, only a little bit broken. I'm back at my job with the people I love - a welcome distraction from the demons I battle in my head on a daily basis. Cancer sure is a nasty bitch. I still have panic attacks daily. I have obsessive thoughts. Like a wise friend of mine said to me, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's not living, is it? I have thoughts like this. If I die, I have to make videos for Ben. Let him know how much I loved him. Let him know I'll always be with him. I don't want to leave him ever, but if I have to, he will know how much he meant to me. I told my husband today that he needs to make sure my family is still a part of Ben's life. I made him promise to call them, send pictures, go to Iowa to see them, and invite them for ...

I wanted to take the opportunity to answer questions that people had, so I opened the floor to my Facebook friends with questions about cancer. So here's what you all came up with: Question: How did you manage to stay so positive? Answer: I don't. I struggle every minute of everyday to remain positive. I am having a really tough time dealing with anxiety issues. Every bump, pain - it's cancer all over my body. I am terrified everyday. Every second. I definitely have good days (mostly when I don't have to be alone), but the truth is that I am definitely not as positive as I should be. I continue to receive good news, but for some reason that doesn't seem to help. I've lost the trust I had in my body. I don't trust that it will continue to fight off cancer; it's as if I'm still waiting for bad news. I don't want to die. I want to be able to see my baby grow up, and I'm so scared that I won't get this chance. I am working super hard...

One year ago my husband and I celebrated and went to Florida for our honey moon. One year ago we got pregnant with our first child. All of that was just ONE YEAR AGO. It boggles my mind to think of how our lives used to be. We looked forward so much to the future. Then, in September I was diagnosed with cancer and everything changed. Andrew is so positive and wonderful to me all the time. He takes this all in stride, and continues to be my rock. He does not falter. Every day he goes to work to support us while I can't. Every evening he comes home after a long day and cooks me dinner. Everyday he does the impossible and puts me back together. Imagine coming home and trying to put a 1,000 piece puzzle together- EVERYDAY. He does this without complaint. I never imagined we'd have to deal with the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriage so soon. Less than one year after we said I do. I carry a lot of guilt thinking that I brought all of this on u...

Like a lot of you, I had a busy life before cancer. I worked full time, worked out, made time for friends, and hung out with my husband. I played on Facebook and Instagram A TON - and I thought a cold was the end of the world. Fact: THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER IN THIS LIFE ARE THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND WONDERFUL SOULS THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING. Not money. Not your job. Not your car. Not your beautiful clothes. Not Facebook. Not Instagram. So please, put your phones down and live in the moment. A day may come and be your very last... do you want that time wasted in front of a screen instead of looking into the eyes of the ones you love? Cancer has taught me that everyday is precious. I wake up every morning fighting to stay alive for my son, my husband, my mom, my sisters, my friends and family. I found myself always glued to my phone, checking my notifications - but now, I have to make sure to use my time wisely. I promise you that winter cold you've got will go aw...

Before my cancer journey started, I jogged 3+ miles, 5 days a week. I loved to run and was just starting to compete in races. I definitely considered it a passion. I also never really cared much about how I looked- I love sweatpants and yoga pants, and I dislike makeup. It's all so much work, ha! I didn't realize how I would feel about myself while receiving treatment.When you think about cancer, you may think about how someone looks. Bald, pale, skinny and frail looking. I got the bald and pale thing down, but surprise- most breast cancer patients gain weight during their treatment. I've had a really hard time with this. Because of the chemo cocktails I've been on, plus a surplus of steroids, I've definitely put on some unwanted pounds. I never put much thought or effort into my appearance, so I didn't think this part would be hard. Unfortunately it's been extremely difficult. It hurts me to look in the mirror some days. It reminds me that I'm...

I know so far in this blog I've kept the focus on my cancer. I'd like to switch gears today. This entry is going to be all about my little life saver; my baby boy. Benny is the most wonderful baby. Despite keeping his father and I up a little at night, he brings us so much joy- most days I just can't believe that he's mine. This smiley guy is my little champion. He has now more than doubled his birth weight, and he's learning new things everyday! He can roll over (he started this at less than a month old if you can believe it) from tummy to back, and he absolutely loves bath time.  My favorite part about his development so far is that he's now able to focus on my face - he definitely knows who his Mommy is. Daddy loves this too 😊. Ben is definitely happiest in the morning, and at his crankiest around 4:30-5 in the afternoon. We had about 3 weeks where around 4:30 he would get super upset for no reason, and scream for an hour. I'm told this is t...