Fear.




Have you ever wondered what it's like to enter the mind of someone with anxiety? I, like many others, have suffered from anxiety since I was about 10 years old. I've seen child psychologists, therapists, psychologists, taken medication - you name it, I've tried it. 

What I found that really worked for me was running, and since having to take a VERY LONG pause from that, I've been struggling a lot. 

Since my cancer diagnosis, nearly a year ago now (whoa), my anxiety has tripled. I can't concentrate, think, or even breathe at times. The fear of leaving this earth prematurely literally eats at me every single moment of every day. The fear of not seeing Benjamin grow up, shakes me. 

I might be working quietly at my desk, but my brain races on. You may be talking to me, but sometimes I can't hear what you say. Obsessive thoughts control my every day. 

I get so angry sometimes. Like, the one thing I wanted in life (a baby), and someone is trying to take that from me! Why? I feel so jaded sometimes. 

I want people to understand that when you tell me just to move on, I can't. When you tell me to live life in the now, I'M TRYING. So hard. When you tell me that some symptom I may exaggerate isn't cancer, know that I can't believe you. Because that one time, it WAS CANCER. To be honest, I'm super annoyed that I might have a short life, and I'm just so scared. 


So to my friends that I don't contact much, please know I'm not doing it on purpose. Some days I just can't do anything but look at my baby boy and live in those moments forever, just in case I don't get that many moments like that. I'm sorry if I seem withdrawn during our conversations. I'm sorry if it seems like I've changed. I'm trying to find that girl again, I swear. I think she's somewhere inside me. 

Please be patient with me while I try and find her. 

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 7, 2017 at 7:06 PM

    You have changed,as you should, after going through a life altering ordeal. Your feelings are yours, and are valid. They shouldn't be dismissed. Keep sharing as many thoughts and feelings as you feel comfortable with. Blessings and hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kathie MarshallSeptember 7, 2017 at 7:34 PM

    Paige, love this post. Can totally relate to it. Thanks for sharing. It's always good to know we are not alone.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Favorite *AND LEAST FAVORITE* Month

Image
October is my favorite month. Or at least it was, until I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer nearly 3 years ago.  Suddenly, the ENTIRE month became all about pink, all about awareness, fundraising, etc. While I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the support - I must also remind you this month is a tough one for me. Reminders are everywhere: TV, billboards, bumper stickers, shirts, ribbons, social media posts, walks, and the list goes on. What some people don't realize, is that I live with the horrible scars physically and emotionally that serve as an cruel reminder everyday- not just in October. So please forgive me, when I once again, take a social media break for the entirety of October. I've decided to distance myself and fully enjoy every second of my favorite month with my family. I want to see my son smile when he picks out a pumpkin, jump in the leaves and watch the season change. I want to take a walk with the dog and unplug to fully enjoy the c...
Read more

War is Exhausting.

I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process.  It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store.  My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away.  I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing?  I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...
Read more

A Dismal Diagnosis Amidst My Greatest Joy

Image
Let's start my story from the beginning... I woke up on a Saturday morning in September and prepared to go to work as usual. It was harder these days to even get out of bed, as I was 36 weeks pregnant with my baby boy! I hopped out of the shower and proceeded with my usual lotioning routine - I was so nervous about getting stretch marks from my pregnancy, I made this an almost daily ritual. It was then that I felt a lump on my left breast. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but my first thought is that it's definitely pregnancy related. So what did I do? Googled it, of course! Google told me that it was more than likely a clogged milk duct from my pregnancy, and not to worry. Well, that's never good enough for me, so naturally I stressed about it all the way to work. After talking with my colleagues for an hour or so, I thought it was best that I just call the doctor and be sure that I'm not crazy. Luckily, my OB office had a two hour Saturday window that I c...
Read more