The Way I See Myself

Before my cancer journey started, I jogged 3+ miles, 5 days a week. I loved to run and was just starting to compete in races. I definitely considered it a passion. I also never really cared much about how I looked- I love sweatpants and yoga pants, and I dislike makeup. It's all so much work, ha!

I didn't realize how I would feel about myself while receiving treatment.When you think about cancer, you may think about how someone looks. Bald, pale, skinny and frail looking.

I got the bald and pale thing down, but surprise- most breast cancer patients gain weight during their treatment. I've had a really hard time with this. Because of the chemo cocktails I've been on, plus a surplus of steroids, I've definitely put on some unwanted pounds.

I never put much thought or effort into my appearance, so I didn't think this part would be hard. Unfortunately it's been extremely difficult. It hurts me to look in the mirror some days. It reminds me that I'm a "sick person." I really don't want to be.

I've been making a real effort to get back to my old running habits, but the truth is- it's challenging. I tire easily and I don't have the stamina that I once did. I have to be so careful not to over exert myself and it drives me insane.

Self confidence is a real struggle these days. No matter how many people tell me how good I look bald, or how beautiful I look- it's difficult for me to believe, despite the best of intentions. I feel sluggish and sometimes ugly. It's not pleasant to write about, but I want everyone to be aware of the daily struggle in the mind of someone battling cancer. It really isn't easy, physically or emotionally.

My best advice for loved ones is to keep encouraging the person you know dealing with this disease. Help them get out of the house, if only for a meal. Go with them for a walk, and be a shoulder to cry on. God knows, we all need one.

Please know this is in no way a pity party- this is more than just my struggle. It seems trivial, but it's important to know this is more than just cancer. Its struggles within a struggle. We all have demons, and I'm facing a few of mine, as hard as it is to admit.

One day I will return to my races and my running. Until then, I have to give myself a little grace. I must admit that I've shed more than a few tears while writing this, but I work everyday to improve the way I see myself.  I won't give up.