In Case You’re Wondering.

I don’t have an explanation for what I’m about to write. I think I just want to write it down. 

I’m just so freaking sad. I’m paranoid. Nervous. Sunken down deeper in the hole than I’ve ever been. The feeling literally steals my happiness.

Andrew and I just bought our first house, we close in one day. What should be such an exciting time in our lives - is overshadowed by the dark cloud that looms over me. 

Looking back at what was poised to be the happiest day of my life, the birth of my son; I had just been given the worst news of my life. I can’t help but think that same thing will happen again. I can’t be allowed these wonderful blessings, can I? 

My brain tells me: Cancer will sneak in, and steal everything and everyone I love.

It will take me away. From my son, my husband, my mom, my sister. They will live and move on and my life will have been for nothing. My son won’t even remember my face, how much I love him and prayed for him. Doesn’t this sound so selfish? I’m obsessed with just staying on this earth. I don’t want to die. 

Seems like a cruel joke. I beat cancer, I’m supposed to be happy right? I’m trying so damn hard to make that happen. For those that are always positive in situations like this, I admire you, I wish I could have those thoughts. Instead my mind reals of cancer running through my body, shutting it down before I even had a chance to make my mark. 

If you read this and it seems repetitive to previous blog posts - you’re right. My thoughts are much of the same. I can’t get over it.


I’ve taken medication, talked with professionals, prayed, drank wine, meditated, read books & other blogs. Nothing will take this away. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told I have no time left.

 Why? 

Comments

  1. EKJuly 25, 2018 at 8:08 PM

    You are so brave to post this and I admire you. I have never had cancer but I get this feeling- waiting for the other shoe to drop. I constantly say that expression. You are not alone.

    ReplyDelete

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