Joining Life Again



I'm not going to lie, adjusting to life after cancer isn't easy. For those months my world stopped. It's hard to realize the world around you just kept moving...

And now I'm left here, only a little bit broken. I'm back at my job with the people I love - a welcome distraction from the demons I battle in my head on a daily basis.

Cancer sure is a nasty bitch.

I still have panic attacks daily. I have obsessive thoughts. Like a wise friend of mine said to me, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's not living, is it?

I have thoughts like this. If I die, I have to make videos for Ben. Let him know how much I loved him. Let him know I'll always be with him. I don't want to leave him ever, but if I have to, he will know how much he meant to me.

I told my husband today that he needs to make sure my family is still a part of Ben's life. I made him promise to call them, send pictures, go to Iowa to see them, and invite them for holidays.

HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?!? Alas, these are my thoughts. I'm trying to fight it, but right now it's my reality.

Everyday I feel a little better; stronger. I think these thoughts will be less as time goes on. I think everyone just wants to be remembered. I sure do. I want my life to have purpose. So for now, I have to remember to LIVE IT.

As always, I'm grateful to all who read my crazy ramblings. Love to you all.

Comments

  1. KristinMarch 25, 2017 at 10:50 AM

    Dude. It's not messed up. It's REAL. You went through a very traumatic time as a young mother. You were expecting to be pregnant, have a baby, enjoy new motherhood and reveal in it all. Instead you had to think of your mortality, lose your hair, feel like shit. That's all very real. So. You process it all. Keep working through it. Don't shame yourself because sometimes you want to plan for the unthinkable. You're not being morbid-this is your reality. Paige-you are doing a GOOD JOB. Keep at it. I'm in your corner. 💖 Nurse Kristin

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Favorite *AND LEAST FAVORITE* Month

Image
October is my favorite month. Or at least it was, until I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer nearly 3 years ago.  Suddenly, the ENTIRE month became all about pink, all about awareness, fundraising, etc. While I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the support - I must also remind you this month is a tough one for me. Reminders are everywhere: TV, billboards, bumper stickers, shirts, ribbons, social media posts, walks, and the list goes on. What some people don't realize, is that I live with the horrible scars physically and emotionally that serve as an cruel reminder everyday- not just in October. So please forgive me, when I once again, take a social media break for the entirety of October. I've decided to distance myself and fully enjoy every second of my favorite month with my family. I want to see my son smile when he picks out a pumpkin, jump in the leaves and watch the season change. I want to take a walk with the dog and unplug to fully enjoy the c...
Read more

War is Exhausting.

I often find it hard to verbalize how I feel about my life now. While I’m still adjusting to this “new normal”, I definitely thought I’d be farther along in the healing process.  It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back pretty consistently. Most days it takes all that I have to get out of bed and do normal things like work or go to the store.  My home feels safe and warm- like cancer can’t get me in here. Not with my husband and my baby, we are whole here. But if I leave, if I talk about the pain- it’s too real, it will become real, and cancer will take me away.  I’m always waiting for someone to take away my happiness. I’m afraid to be too happy, too comfortable - because I know too well this can be squandered in an instant. My mind is at war with my body. I find it hard to know what is real and what is not- is this pain real or am I causing it by obsessing?  I’m haunted by what I call “intake notes.” The little form I fill ...
Read more

A Dismal Diagnosis Amidst My Greatest Joy

Image
Let's start my story from the beginning... I woke up on a Saturday morning in September and prepared to go to work as usual. It was harder these days to even get out of bed, as I was 36 weeks pregnant with my baby boy! I hopped out of the shower and proceeded with my usual lotioning routine - I was so nervous about getting stretch marks from my pregnancy, I made this an almost daily ritual. It was then that I felt a lump on my left breast. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but my first thought is that it's definitely pregnancy related. So what did I do? Googled it, of course! Google told me that it was more than likely a clogged milk duct from my pregnancy, and not to worry. Well, that's never good enough for me, so naturally I stressed about it all the way to work. After talking with my colleagues for an hour or so, I thought it was best that I just call the doctor and be sure that I'm not crazy. Luckily, my OB office had a two hour Saturday window that I c...
Read more