When it's Hard to See the Light



In the days that followed my diagnosis, I found myself waiting around a lot. Waiting on test results, waiting for my next doctor's appointment, waiting to figure out if chemo will work. I'm not ashamed to say that despite my regular anxiety, I struggle even more so now.

All of a sudden, I've got a cancer attacking my body and I'm supposed to just wait around for this chemo to kill it? Why can't it just come out? Why am I not doing surgery right away? Get this out of me!!! I need a Xanax.

During this process everyone tells you to "be positive!" While I can honestly say that I stay positive 90% of the time, I have days where this is really, really difficult. My life is literally in the hands of two doctors that I just met a month ago. How can I trust that their method will work? I pray everyday.

On days that I have trouble being positive, I just look at my little boy; my angel. If it weren't for him, I would be dead. I am BEYOND blessed that he was ready and healthy enough to come and join us a few weeks earlier than expected. Benny is well tempered (when he doesn't have gas), and perfect in every way. When he grabs my hand, I'm reminded what I fight for.



I also try to remind myself of all of the amazing people in my life. My mom, the strongest mom I know. This is a parent's worst nightmare; no one should have to witness their child go through this. My little sister, she's fearless. I've only ever known Hailee to be scared once in her life, and that was waiting to see if the cancer had spread. She reminds me everyday that I can do this, even when it's hard for me to think the same. My big sister- even from Little Rock, she gives me unwavering positivity and advice. My grandma, who sends me prayers from nearly everyone she talks to. My mother-in-law, who bends over backwards to help me in any way she can, even if that means coming over and taking a walk with me so I won't be lonely.

I can't forget my incredible husband. When you're saying your wedding vows "in sickness and in health," you never imagine that the "sickness" part would be in your first year of marriage. I certainly didn't. He is a rock. He comes to every appointment, goes to work all day, cooks every meal (I'm a terrible cook), and takes care of me when I'm sick.

I fight for them; my light in the darkness. I fight for everyone I work with, my friends, my family, and for everyone who has lost this fight. I will win it for you.

Comments

  1. UnknownNovember 8, 2016 at 3:32 PM

    Your fight has totally captivated me. I cannot imagine what you're going through but your bravery is admirable. I gave birth to a little boy a few days after you and I can't imagine tackling such a huge hurdle along with a new baby. I am praying for you, keep up the good fight.

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